Kittens Anyone?

I just love kittens. They are so adorable and cute. So are puppies. But while puppies grow up and turn into sweet, lovable dogs, kittens just grow up and become . . . cats. And I hate cats. It’s like when God decided to pick out an annoying animal, all that was left was the cat. They are aloof, hissy, unfriendly . . . the whole nine yards. And yes, I know that there are some people out there who have perfectly wonderful cats, so please don’t write me about this. Even the most devoted cat lover would have to admit that kittens are cuter than cats. Any day.

Well Doctor Richard (Ree-shard) Dubrowski knows what I’m talking about. His office is filled with those cute kitten calendars and magnets and things like that. He loves kittens. But due to a very bad childhood experience, one so painful that he won’t even discuss it, he hates cats. So, he set out to do something about that. He is the inventor of the kitever.

Dr. Dubrowski reasoned that if people can have their beloved pets cloned, why not create kittens that never grow up? Kind of Peter Pan kittens. Thus was born the kitever–short for kitten forever. They have become the tribbles of Persiphonia (for all you Star Trek fans). Only they don’t eat up all the grain and start intergalactic wars. They just stay little, playful and positively adorable. And everyone in Persiphonia simply MUST have one.

Forget Paris Hilton lugging around those ugly naked Chihuahuas dressed in outfits stupider than hers. In Persiphonia, everyone has a kitever poking its adorable nose out of the top of their handbag. Some of the teacup kitevers are small enough to fit in your jacket pocket. We have guys who take them to work and sit them on their desks, and they aren’t even gay. They just love kitevers.

And over there in Oslo, the Nobel Committee decided that the kitever was such an important discovery that they have awarded Doctor Dubrowski with one of their nifty little prizes in the field of felineology. Bravo Doctor!

Here is the story of kitevers–now named Persiphonia’s Official Animal . . .

We haven’t exactly been blowing our own horn a lot lately, but the Nobel Prizes keep rolling in here in Persiphonia. We are up to 17, and we couldn’t be prouder. Some of them, I cannot discuss with you because they are top secret government projects, but occasionally I will let you in on a great project done by one of our Nobel winners.

Today, I would like to tell you about Doctor Richard Dubrowski. Only never call him Richard. He pronounces it Ree-shard and he is very fussy about that. Doctor Dubrowski won his Nobel in the field of felineology. He studies cats.

Doctor Dubrowski noticed that everyone loves a cute kitten. They are cute and funny and huggable. They are easily adopted at animal shelters for those reasons. They are playful and fun to be around.

But the problem with kittens is that they grow up to be cats. And most cats are aloof, and disinterested in people. They scratch furniture and draperies. They spray. They scratch. They howl at night to be let out or let in. It is much harder for animal shelters to adopt cats. A lot of people love kittens, but hate cats.

So Doctor Dubrowski set out to resolve this problem. And he did. He discovered a way to genetically alter cats so that they remain cute little kittens forever. He is a genius. Now, animal shelters in Persiphonia. have absolutely no trouble adopting kittens. Kittens have become the newest “accessory”. People carry them around poking out of handbags the way Paris Hilton and her friends used to carry Chihuahuas. They are cute and cuddly and they stay that way forever. They never grow up and become cats. The few remaining cats in Persiphonia are kept in his laboratory where they breed these adorable little creatures he calls Kitevers—Kittens Forever. And it is getting hard to keep up with the demand. Everyone wants them.

He considered doing the same thing with dogs, but large dogs are banned in Persiphonia anyway. We only have cute cuddly little dogs. He also considered doing it with babies, but who wants to be changing diapers forever? However with cats, it works fantastically. Some people even have more than one—to match their outfits. I took one home to my shih tzus and they love their new little playmate. They used to lay around and sleep on the furniture most of the time, but now they are much more playful, happily chasing their little friend around the house. Both of them have actually lost weight. We named our new little addition Morgan and we love her. My son Feral Moonstorm and his girlfriend Malicious Intent have a black one they call Melancholia Fairie Corpse. All I can say is thank God those two don’t have children.

Today, I am sending you a box of cute cuddly little kittens. Believe me—they will go fast and you will want more. The Nobel committee was absolutely astounded at Dr. Dubrowski’s new development and our animal shelters are eternally grateful. Cats don’t sit in there forever anymore. His next phase is being able to develop designer Kitevers for clients. You will be able to choose the sex, the color of the fur and eye color. It is a major breakthrough in Felineology.

We aren’t sending any entertainment today. The Kitevers is all you will need. They are endlessly entertaining and fun to be around. Enjoy them. And if you want to order more, contact Dr. Dubrowski at 1 800 KITEVERS or www.kitevers.com. He will be happy to place you on the waiting list. Kitevers sell for $199.95 with a portion of the proceeds going to the SPCA. Order yours today!

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