Wedding Bell Blues

Like I always say, it’s a good thing you get to choose your own friends, because the people you end up with as family sure do suck sometimes. There should be a rule in this world that if you happen to have rich parents, you cannot inherit their money until you do something for yourself. There are just too many of these bronze skinned, polo playing yachters who travel around the world on Mom or Dad’s ticket and don’t even wait for the body to get cold before they meet with brothers and sisters and start carving up the empire.

Do you sense a little King Lear in there somewhere? Well I think that for Christmas this year, I’m going to send all of my tycoons in Persiphonia a nice leather bound edition of the play. “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!” And what a shame that often Mom and Dad are pushing up daisies when that thankless child rears its ugly head.

But even worse than that is when the kids start making their move while Mom and Dad are still moving. Take this case in point. Oliver Wendell Carrington, #4 on Forbes’ List of Billionaires in Metropolis suddenly gets the hankering to remarry. And he chooses as his intended one Sasha von Sachet, 19 year old B Movie starlet and lavishly endowed  young model.

So what if Oliver is 90 and gets around in an electric wheelchair? Should it matter that Sasha’s grandmother is 10 years younger than Ollie? Not in my book. If they are two consenting adults who are in their right mind and they appear before me, I’m issuing a marriage license–no matter what Ollie’s nasty children, grandchildren and great grandchildren think about it. And if Ollie wants to change his will and include the young Mrs. Carrington,

I say he earned the money and it’s his to spend as he pleases. He could die and leave it to a flock of barn owls in Kentucky if he wants to. None of my business. And not theirs, either. Daddy has given them enough happiness, time for him to find some of his own. That’s what they have viagra for. Personally, I hope they wear out a couple of mattresses before Ollie kicks the bucket. And maybe they’ll have a couple little ones along the way. Good for you, Oliver. Knock yourself out.

Ah, but the course of true love never does run smooth. And no sooner was the ink dry on the wedding certificate than his blood-sucking family started working on getting it annulled. Fortunately, by that time, Mr. and Mrs. Carrington had retired to the boudoir and from the sounds of ecstasy emanating from behind the door, had consummated the marriage. With viagra, it’s all about timing, isn’t it?

Well, this time I played the part of King Lear and thrust these ungrateful fruits of Oliver Wendell Carrington’s loins out into the cold, scary world with only the clothes on their backs. Little did they know that as they left the reception, they passed underneath a very large electromagnet which screwed up all the plastic in their wallets. By the time they were able to call the company to order new cards, Ollie had closed the accounts. I sent them each away with a dollar bill and a push broom. Hopefully they can turn it into a fortune as their father did.

And my dear friend Oliver and the lovely Sasha promised to name their first child after me. I sure do hope it’s a girl.

Here is their story . . .

As Mayor, today I officiated at a very lovely wedding. The groom, Oliver Wendell Carrington is one of Persiphonia’s tycoons. In fact he is THE tycoon around here. He is currently ranked #4 on Forbes List of Billionaires in Metropolis. He began his career sweeping floors in a small feed and grain store in Northern Persiphonia’s farm country. He soon saved enough money to purchase the store and opened three more. From there, he began building other business up until he founded Carrington Enterprises. Of our 110 skyscrapers in Persiphonia, about half of them as well as many of the 150 conference centers are owned by Carrington Enterprises. Mr. Carrington is still going at 90. Though wheelchair bound, he still goes to work every day at the crack of dawn and works until dark. This is his 8^th marriage.

The bride, Sasha von Sachet is one of our young starlets in Persiphonia. She is best known for her recent role in that 3D thriller The Return of the Vixens from Venus. Even though she is only listed in the credits as “Third Vixen” and her only line in the movie was “Look! Here they come now. Let’s get ‘em girls!”, she got a lot of notice in the press—perhaps for her rather voluptuous body and the skimpy costumes the worm by the vixens. Miss von Sachet recently turned 19 and this is her first marriage.

The happy couple met at the world premier of Vixens, which was held at Gustav’s Chinese Theatre here in Persiphonia. When Miss von Sachet leaned over to put her hands in wet cement, she lost her balance and fell forward. We ended up with two prints of another part of her body instead of her hands. If you happen to be walking by, I strongly recommend you watch where you walk. The imprints are smaller than some potholes I have seen around the city. When it rains, they turn into two little swimming pools.

It was a lovely wedding held at Chez Pierre near the Eiffel Tower. The bride wore a gown designed by the same designer who did the costumes from Vixens from Venus. What little of it there was, was very pretty. The wedding had a Venutian theme in honor of the bride—with silver flowers and different sized disco balls hanging from the ceiling to represent the planets. As a wedding gift, he gave her a solid gold cellphone embedded with diamonds that looked exactly like the communicator she used in Vixens from Venus. She didn’t give him a gift at the reception. She said she intended to give him his gift privately. Of course, the paparazzi was out in full force, trying to get shots of the happy couple.

The only thing that spoiled the happy couple’s day were the 12 children, numerous grandchildren, great grandchildren and great-great grandchildren the groom has accumulated over his seven marriages. He even has a couple of illegitimate children from affairs along the way. The family is simply furious over Miss von Sachet and claim that she is nothing more than a gold digger after the family fortune—a charge she vehemently denies. She and Ollie are in love, she claims. In fact, they intend to start having children right away. She got kind of teary when she talked about little babies taking rides on Daddy’s electric wheelchair.

The family has filed charges with Persiphionian Supreme Court (aka me) claiming the marriage is a sham and should be annulled immediately. In the statement they filed they suggest that “Dad just play around with his little toy for a while, pay her a few million dollars and send her home when he is done with her.” Oliver filed a counter charge requesting that his children “butt out”. After about two seconds of deliberation, I sided with Oliver and his new bride.

I am sending this slew of whiney, greedy and ungrateful relatives along to your cities. Help yourself to one. None of them has ever done a decent day’s work in his life. I am also sending along enough brooms for them to start their own fortunes the same way that their father/grandfather/great grandfather did—by the sweat of his brow. The only blisters this group ever got was from holding a tennis racquet too tightly or from the reigns of their polo ponies. It’s time they stopped living off Daddy and earned a decent living.

Mr. Carrington and the new Mrs. Carrington will have Carrington Manor all to themselves. I hope they do fill it up with babies. In the meantime, Miss von Sachet, who intends to keep her own name professionally, intends to keep working. In fact, she has just been cast as Nala in Nymphettes from Neptune. She will be the star of the movie. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that it is being produced by Carrington Productions, a new division of Carrington Enterprises.

For entertainment today, I am sending along a wedding video of the happy nuptials and a box of tissues. The background music is Going To The Chapel by the Dixie Cups, an oldie but goldie. They look so cute with her sitting on his lap as he wheels his chair down the aisle. Enjoy.